"Friendship should be more than biting time can sever." (Eliot)

…..I’m depressed, disconsolate, disenchanted, dejected, despondent, dispirited, and devitalized. And you may ask why this is so? Mark Twain was right when he said, “Lord save us from old age and broken health, and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.”. The fact is that I have lost the faculty of doing what once I was able to do—to put out the blossoms of skills I owned from my own Hope Tree.  Life was at one time a joy, but now I’m as dormant and helpless as a pebble on the bottom of the sea, where once I was an Orca.  No longer can I lift a golf club from a bag and feel the power of its use.  No longer can I run a marathon or walk a mile; nor even walk at all without the help of a device which I loathe.

 

 

…..I miss seeing teenage faces every morning and the awe in their eyes as Shakespeare suddenly reveals himself to them right in the classroom. I write books that no one reads. I cannot move around on the stage if I were to sing once more in a lofty role.  I can’t call a friend on the phone; all my friends have passed on—except, of course, Ruthie,  who also happens to be an adopted cousin who hasn’t passed on yet; but she lives in England so that I can’t hop over to see her.  Male companionship is virtually non-existent.  There is one buddy from my B-24 crew left; but he lives up north, and a colleague who claimed to be “forever” my friend has not only violated that claim, but has vowed never to read this blog again.

 

…..The problem with the “friend” who failed me, I believe, is that he is not happy with my liberal political leanings, and with my using this written means to express my beliefs.  He apparently has also abandoned the First Amendment as well. The Bard has said in one of his sonnets that ”…love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,” and that it “…looks on tempests and is never shaken.”  The fact is, that being an 18-karat manic depressive and having lived a life of violent emotional contradictions, I have an over-acute capacity for sadness as well as elation.

 

…..And so it turns out, sadly, that he is not a friend at all, and apparently never was.  But despite of all that I have written here, and the reason I nevertheless thrive and survive with elation, is the magnificent wife with whom I have shared my life for the past 30 years.  June19th, the date we married, looms shortly ahead; a day which leads us on to our future together like a beacon lighting our lives.  And this it is that allows me to leave all pain behind me.

Memorial Thoughts on a Rainy Day

.....I did not write a post for this blog on Memorial Day because it would have been too difficult for me.  There is no point in explaining why that is to anyone.  But it was a rather weird epiphany for me to think that if, like many other brothers, I did not make it back to live my life, none of my children would exist and neither would their children.  And that is why I sign my e-mails as the "original Ross."  Silly, isn't it.  Barbara Ross would most likely be married to some other guy rather than to Joel, and I don't think her offspring would be called Hannah and Adam.  And Adam's new bride, Tucky, as she is called might be married to a Thai boyfriend.  Incidentally, Tucky's given name is "Apinya".  There would be no Katrina, and thus no great-grandchild named Huston.  And Michelle would have to get another live-in boyfriend rather than my son, Bobby.  And some other hog would be selling the Harleys that Bobby is now selling.

 

.....But, thankfully, I survived WWII and I take great pride in my four children and my grandchildren.  My father is their great grandparent and my grandfather is their great great grandfather.  And how do you like that?  I figured it all out--but with RH+'s math and family orientation.  I don't want to delve into this too deeply so that my head would spin.  It spins enough writing this blog.  JR freaked me out enough by informing me that my mother's birth certificate indicates that her name was "Sure" rather than Sarah.  That has to be an error by the inebriated authority who didn't understand my grandfather's accent when he filled out the form.

 

.....Well, enough of that folderol.  Let's get into something a little more meaningful, such as the idea for a show that is swimming around in my brain for the nonce.  It will be staged as a USO show such as the ones performed for the troops in boot camps in the early years of WWII.  Those residents who were chosen after auditions would do songs from that era and each would be announced as the celebrity who sang rather than by their real name.  Thus, for example, the Andrews sisters would most likely be rather "buxom" senior-itas singing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree with anyone else but me"!  I expect the audience to howl. They would also join in on some of the songs they know.  Should be fun.

"America is a tune. It must be sung together." (Anon.)

.....As I was driving along with a sore posterior gifted from my urologist, I saw a Florida license plate containing (besides an orange) a flag and the words "United we Stand." I don't know if this merely refers to the seniors with walkers in the state of Florida or to the "unity" of all the states in America.  If "united" refers to America, we are as united as oil is to vinegar or as salt is to pepper. 

.....In Congress we have the centrist Democrats, the conservative Democrats and liberal Democrats, all pulling in divergent directions with disparate views as to how an immigration bill should read.  And in the same Congress we also have the usual stodgy Republicans, and...well, that's about it for them.  I doubt there exists a liberal Republican, which would be a major oxymoron.
 

.....Then there is a section of our population that stands "united" only in wringing their hands and claiming that they want their country back, as if it belongs to them by primogeniture or something, and not one acre to the 50 million or so who voted for Obama.  Then there is white America, which is fearful that black America or Latino America will run the country, leaving them behind; and black and Hispanic America, fearful of being left behind by white America.  Of course, Jewish America couldn't care less, having always been left behind, and so they retire to Florida. "United we Stand"?  I think not.  The driver with that ubiquitous plate should get one that says "Save the Manatees".  It would make more sense.

.....I could continue to cite the many divergent forces tugging at Obama to pass a gun law bill or not; or to stop killing terrorists with drones, or not; or to tax the rich, or not; or to pass an immigration bill, or not; or to take out the garbage, or not; or to buy the kids cell phones, or not; or to walk the dog more often, or not.
 

.....What I am saying is, and what I am thinking, and what I believe, is that America does not stand united in giving America's president, in his second term, a  chance to see his promises and vision come to fruition.  Do so, and let him either fail or succeed; and then, after taking thoughtful cognizance of that, to vote Hilary and her party in or out.  Unity is an achievable goal for reasonable people, and patience is a virtue.

".....Events cast their shadows..." (Thomas Campbell)

.....Things have been rather scary around here the last couple of days; that is, yesterday and today.  Yesterday, we both had doctors' appointments-- and mine was OK, but Rhoda's doctor said her blood pressure was too high--over 200.  This was the first visit we had to these doctors.  The doctor we had been going to for many years pissed us off; that is, made us angry.  On one recent visit to him we waited an hour past our appointment time, so we just got up and left. A week or so later, we also waited an hour past our appointment time, so we just left again.  We decided that we would just leave this guy and find another internist. My school district had sent us a book with names of doctors on my health plan, and we found a couple who were nearby with offices right next to the one we left.  Rhoda picked one and I picked one that I had seen many years ago; and so we called and made appointments.  These docs took us on time and spent an hour with each of us.  Incredible...

  

.....After we got home Rhoda's doctor called once more and said she should go to the hospital immediately and that there they would have the equipment and medication to bring her blood pressure down and so we did. We went to the emergency room and it was a new ER experience; that is we didn't have to wait too long for them to take Rhoda to a room in the ER with a hospital bed... Amazing.  We had planned to go out for dinner, but of course we didn't make it.  However I hadn't eaten anything all day so I went to Dunkin' Donuts for a bagel and cream cheese.  Once, last year, I went five days (believe it or not) without having eaten a morsel, and of course, three of these days I was in the hospital.  Well, the finality of this unexpected occurrence was that RH+ became positive again.  She called my cell phone while I was finishing up my elegant "dinner" and said she was ready to come home; so I drove back to the hospital to pick her up.  She said that the pill they gave her drove her blood pressure back to normal.  And so to bed.

 

MAY 23

 

.....Today, another doctor day.  She had to go back to have her blood pressure checked again.  If it went back over 200 that would be very serious.  That kind of pressure could lead to a stroke; and that is the last thing we wanted.  I, too, have to see my cardiologist--just for my 4 month checkup.  At the same time, while there, am going to have my pacemaker checked.  It's supposed to be changed, I believe, every seven years, and this one is up o five.  If this whole post seems rather dreary, I apologize--but whatever is, is.

"Anger is one of the sinews of the soul." (Thomas Fuller)

.....Lately there have been a few things that have raised my hackles (or is it "shackles"?).  For one, I've read that there are a number of states that have placed so many strictures on abortions as to make it all but impossible for a woman to be in charge of her own body and desires.  And here I thought that the Supreme Court adjudicated Roe V. Wade and claimed that abortions in the United States are legal.  If so, how can states of the union flaunt that decision?  Oh, yes, I firmly believe it comes about because very conservative Republican legislatures in these states are responsible. And, of course, religious views must play a big part in their decisions.  Are we still in the Civil War?  Can the federal government stand by and allow these states to disregard the law of the land?  I guess they can, though I'm no expert on law; I'm just a poet.

 

.....Another decision is putting me into a rage; my newspaper is dropping their listing of TV shows each day, and if a reader wants to know what to watch he has to subscribe to the magazine called "TV Weekly".  That surprise was published in today's paper.  There was no indication, of course, of what this subscription will cost, but that's not even relative.  The fact is, I've paid for a subscription to this newspaper,
"The Sun-Sentinel" and TV listings have been part of what I pay for.  Next thing you know is they will drop the sports page and ask readers to subscribe to "Sports Illustrated".  This paper is not a star in the sky to begin with; the front page section is devoted to full page ads and very little news.  I don't know if the paper can do what they are doing and stay within the law.  I'll find out.  I guess they can, though I'm not an expert on law; I'm just a poet.

 

.....The third piece of news that can drive me to drink (Rhoda usually drives me places. I'm not supposed to drink) is the situation in Syria.  There are too many countries who are looking to the United States to become more involved in solving that civil war.  We have got to stop being the policeman of this world.  These other countries have got to join this "police" force and stop looking to us.  The very worst thing we could  do now is to get into another ground war just as we are ending the war we have been at in Afghanistan for ten years, spending zillions of dollars and loosing thousands of young lives.

"Her children arise up and call her blessed." (Proverbs XXXI.28)

.....Today being Mother's Day, Rho and I arose rather late this morning--about 11:30am if you can believe it. And I believe you can.  We dressed rather quickly and went to Bagel Tree for brunch if that's what you might call it; though I call whatever I had, breakfast--eggs over medium well, home fries burned, a bagel with cream cheese, and a cup or two of coffee.  I believe Rhoda opted for egg salad, a bialy, and some iced tea.  After breakfast we went over to Publix and bought some flowers to bring to the cemetery where my mother lies, and then we brought them over to the gravesite.  We sat on the marble bench which Robin had bought with Mom's name "Shirley Kallman" inscribed on it.  We weren't the first ones there, however.  We saw that there were some sprigs of flowers had already been strewn across the gravesite marker.  The marker had the words. "...beloved mother, grandmother, and GG.  Rhoda guessed that was Great Grandmother of Shayne, my niece Jane's daughter; Jane is my sister, Betty's daughter.  Sometimes this get's very confusing.  My mother had three names.  First she was an Auslander, then a Rosenberg, then a Kallman.  I didn't exactly know who I was, so I just adopted the name, Ross, that didn't rhyme with anything but sounded nice as the author of anything I wrote.   

     

.....I will say that my mother did not lead a very happy life.  Shortly after she was married and I was born in 1924 in the middle of the Great Depression, my father, who was the victim of poisoned gas in WWI had his first leg amputation.  After that, it was in and out of VA hospitals until he died a  triple amputee in 1933 at the age of 33.  My mother, then, had been a caretaker for most of her married life--no easy task in any era, but especially in an era of near poverty.  She even volunteered to be a part time caretaker of my twins, Bobby and Bonny when they were born in 1955 when the financial situation was very much improved.  I must venture to say at this point, that my daughters, Bonny and Robin, have very many of the same best qualities that their grandmother possessed, and they were many.  She was loving, thoughtful, caring, and my daughters are the same--and so I am also blessed.  I will write to the Proverbs after I get their address and ask them to include me as XXXII.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship" (Truman)

.....The color of the text you see today was picked out by RH+. The font is "Ariel"; it is one of the fonts that the publisher of my books prefers, so I give them what they want.  There are other fonts that I prefer, but this is OK.  I don't believe that those few who read my blog have any problems reading it.  They may have a few problems with what I have to say from day to day, but I shall continue to put my faith on the First Amendment. How come all the politicians with brains go back to the 18th Century?  Whenever the Supreme Court has a problem deciding on a tough case the judges run to read the Constitution.  A couple of them can't understand what they read and invariably come up with an improper judgment.  Who knows...perhaps it's really a proper judgment, but sometimes it collides with my opinion; then again, who am I to judge a judge?  However, on occasion the Court's decisions make many Americans very unhappy.  For example, if they decide that abortion is unconstitutional it will infuriate American women, and even some guys. And of course it will also make the religious right very happy, and the Constitution does say something about the "Pursuit of happiness."  Doesn't it? The Court may also decide against same sex marriage, thus causing a million or so gays to live together in  mortal sin; or should I say "immoral sin"?  It's all so confusing that my brain is spinning.  I didn't want to write on this subject, but look what happened.

 

.....and speaking (writing?) of government agencies we must have a reasonable and responsible policy for veterans of all generations who are injured or ill.  With the proposed downsizing of our military and the slow recovery of our economy, more veterans will be relying on the Department of Veterans Affairs for services and benefits for years to come.  Our government must get prepared to handle such a large influx of veterans of the long wars we have engaged in and the billions of dollars they have caused us.  Our country must be fully prepared to fulfill its promise to the nation's veterans.  The VA's budget must recognize and reflect the need.  Right now it takes months and perhaps years to respond to the claims that have been served for medical benefits that are sorely needed, and this is a blight on our nation's psyche.  I have been very fortunate myself since returning home from my service in WWII.  My claim for medical and financial aid was swiftly approved.  Sadly, that is not the case today, and there is no reason for long delays.  America must do what is needed and what is right.

"...it is not an inn, but a hospital, which is not a place to live in, but to die in." (Thomas Browne)

.....Yesterday RH+ and I went to a real movie for the first time in over a year, I'm guessing.  I really haven't had the motivation to see whether or not I could climb the stairs almost to the top where I like to sit.  I was also concerned about where I would be able to leave my walker.  We went to a very new shopping center built only about two miles west of here.  We were fortunate to find a handicap parking space which puzzled me because when you go anywhere around here it's walker territory, but I saw hundreds of kids coming in and out of this brand new movie theatre.  This indicated that very young parents bought homes in this area.  This theatre sells reserved seats only, and you can buy them on the internet if you choose.  We found out about that too late and in order to see "42" we had to sit in the third row!  It really wasn't too bad and we both got used to it.  The movie was great.  Chadwick Boseman played Jackie Robinson and Harrison Ford played Branch Rickey.  Both of them, especially Boseman, were first rate.  I never heard of Boseman, and I had to get used to seeing Harrison in a role very different from those he usually plays.  Go see it if you get the chance.

 

.....About 4:30am RH+ woke me and said she wasn't feeling well.  She was perspiring and she had vomited up some pills she had taken.  We called 911 and in 10 minutes three football-sized guys in blue uniforms came into the house and took all of Rho's vital signs as well as an EKG.  At this point she was more like RH--.  At any rate she told them that she did not want to go to the hospital, and I thought that decision was the right one for her as she was feeling better.  Whenever I go into the hospital for any reason it just makes me feel worse.  Besides the fact that they stick a needle in your hand and hook you up to an IV.  This makes it almost impossible to get to a bathroom.  A Haitian nurse then pops in every two minutes and sticks a needle in your vein somewhere and removes a pint of blood from your body.  Then your doctor orders every kind of test for you, and they only take you to the tests after they wake you from a deep sleep.  At 5am another Haitian comes in and wants to give you a bath.  So, my advice is do not fail to fail to agree to go to the hospital when the football team asks.  I'm a man of experience.

"I am a man: I count nothing human that is foreign to me" (Terence)

.....I was thinking of JR, my son, the other day and wondering why he doesn't retire. If my math is correct, then he was 61 in March.  He's worked pretty hard all his life and so has Barbara.  I believe it's time for both to retire.  Whenever I get the chance, I tell my offspring to put away as much money as they can before they retire because they will need more money retired than they do working.  And the same goes for anyone else.  When you retire you eat out more, go to the movies more, travel more, go to shows more, go to casinos possibly, gift money to grandchildren at their weddings or bar mitzvahs, and generally spend a lot of money on things you don't do during your working days.  Social Security is not going to do it. And in these days you can't find a bank that will give you at least 1% interest in your savings and CD accounts.  You want to avoid risking your retirement money in the stock market.  If you lose it you will have to stand at the exits to the turnpike with a cardboard sign that states "Homeless. Will work for food."  If you think you have enough saved to retire, you probably don't.  So, live sparingly first--then retire and treat yourself royally in the life you have remaining.

 

.....Charles Darwin in 1859 wrote "On the Origin of Species" and one specie is the human specie whom I believe has not yet fully evolved from our origins. The billions of our specie's brains that exist  on Earth are still primordial. Take, for example, the parents in Kentucky who presented their 5 year old son with a rifle for a birthday gift with which he accidentally killed his sister.  Or the tragedy in Newtown where a kid whose brain had not yet evolved from an apish state; or the bombing in the Boston Marathon; or all the wars which you cannot count on your fingers and your toes, or the holocaust!  It's madness for me to continue with examples of beings who have not yet evolved into fully evolved Darwinian humans. They're apparently still Neanderthals with Neanderthal brains. And take the gurus in the NRA who go bonkers when there is talk of legislation to ban automatic or military weapons that did not exist when the Second Amendment was adopted.  But who talks about militias now? Just imagine how Washington, Jefferson, Adams, or even Ben Franklin would have to say about these weapons which many NRAs suck on for comfort as a baby sucks on it's blanket.  I wonder what our species will be a hundred years from now?

Don't despair, not even over the fact that you don't despair. (Kafka)

.....I have one loyal soul writing most of the comments on my blog posts these days who has stated publically on this journal that she is suffering from "clinical depression".  How that differs from plain old depression or Post Traumatic Depression (PTSD) I can't say because I only have a Ph.D. in education, and not an MD-- as in charging for 30 second hospital visits.  I only know that I have been dealing with depression since I was nine years old.  Before that, I was only eight years old and had no idea what the hell was happening around me, and all I ever wanted was ice cream, candy, and fireworks. But at nine, I was definitely depressed as I watched my mother administering morphine shots to my father who was a triple amputee as a result of his experiences in WWI.  This went on every day until my dad died at the age of 33 when I was nine.  At that point,  we were as poor as anyone could be in the Great Depression.  Even poorer than the Okies in Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath".  And so my mother, my sister, and I had to move from Long Branch--by the Jersey shore--to my maternal grandparents' apartment in the cockroach infested apartment in the Bronx--where I learned how to be even more depressed. 

.....But as life goes on, and you remain vertical, you learn to fight off the "slings and arrows".  For example: All of my friends are gone, and I haven't even one "friend" here in South Florida.  Oh, I do have some fine acquaintances who I see once in a while, but no one that I see on a daily basis to converse with, to argue with, to go to lunch with. That's depressing.  However, when I'm feeling sorry for that and for other things I won't go into, I think of all the good things I've had and have now in my life.  I have Robin, Joel, Bobby, and Bonny--four children all of whom have made a very good life for themselves.  I have RH+ without whom I would suffer PTSD to the nth degree.  She said not to worry--that women would flock around me with casseroles.  Yeah, right.  Walking with a walker is also depressing, but then I realize that I'm still alive to push it around.  So, cuzzin Ruthie, balance the depression with realizing the blessings you have. 

.....I haven't written about another theme which adds up to ten, so in this post, I'll list the ten depressing things that I suffer at times.  1) People in a restaurant table near me who talk on their cell phones loud enough so that you are forced to listen to events in their private lives. 2) Children who do not remove their eyes from their I-pads or whatever during the whole day, but especially in a restaurant with their parents who ought to have banned it. Very depressing. 3) People who fail to use their signals when turning with their expensive autos and keep you guessing about what they are going to do. 4) Having your steak brought to you well-done when you ordered it medium rare and you have to send it back.  Now you have to wait for it again, meanwhile finishing your lemonade. 5) Hearing a beep on the phone while you're talking to someone and not knowing which button to push to access the "call waiting" and worrying about losing the person you were talking to in the first place. 6) When you're ready to get into bed and you realize that you have forgotten to take your afternoon pills and worrying about the effect that might have on your plan to be the oldest living WWII veteran. Depressing...definitely. 7) Getting a $25 charge on your checking account because you don't have enough money in the bank to cover a check you have written. 8) Not knowing any depressing things in order to cover 9) and 10). Very depressing.

.....I know I haven't written a post on this blog for a number of days, so this one appears to be long enough to bore my readers...or my reader.  Depressing.