"Much learning doth make thee mad." (ACTS. XXVI)

.....One of my avid blog readers wrote a comment yesterday (check it out) complaining of reading boring posts containing “kudos” from former students, and for once he’d like to hear me tell of a student who e-mailed me from the penitentiary. Well, I referred him to my April 1st posting containing a letter I received, not from a student, but from a once fellow performer, which was quite vituperative in its anti-kudo language about me. For this commentator's sake, and for his relief from boredom, I would with much reluctance, share a letter with him from a student who is an inmate in Sing Sing, but unfortunately he is on death row and is not permitted the privilege of writing me a hate filled missive, thank the Lord. However, I did recently receive the following fax from a former student who did not appreciate his education, which should satisfy the person who is bored by kudos, so to speak. So, for better or worse—I’ll let the reader decide—since Red Baron plays no favorites, here it is:


.....“Dr. Ross” – I hesitate to use the word “Dear” thou bird-brained, clack-pot, codpiece, because you are anything but dear to me. Ever since I was in your class in 1905 I can’t get what you taught me out of my head, and it has caused me much grief , poverty, and homelessness. I have been unable to get a job because of you ever since my graduation in 1908. I tried to land one with General Motors, and when they asked me what I could do, and how I could be an asset to them in selling cars, I said, cheerfully, “Well, I can answer the phone after your operator says, ‘If you speak Beowulf, press 3’ and then I can say, ‘Hwaet we Gar-Dena, in gear-dagum, theode-cyninga’”. Then, sir, from there I can tell them all about your cars, delighting them with an introduction to the Malibu in middle English, “Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote, the droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote”. I think, sir, it’s only fair to give credit for this linguistic asset to my old teacher, “Doc” Ross.

.....At that point, thou reeky boil-brained miscreant, Ross, I was told, in no uncertain terms, and ironically in modern English, that I was an “ass”, not an “asset” and to vacate the premises as rapidly as humanly possible. Which I fearfully and tearfully did. And here it is 2009, and I didn’t even have the wherewithal to attend my class’s 100th Reunion last year when I was invited by the other two. So, each day I stand at the entrance to a nursing home greeting visitors with a piece of cardboard whereon I have written “By the Holy Rood, will work for food.” Then with the pittance of cash I receive, I rush to Barnes & Noble to buy a book of poetry which I can read in the library to people who throw coupons at me. Finally, at night, I curl up at the Turnpike with a copy of the "Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam". So, eat a crocodile, thou addlepated craven dewberry.

.....Well, now, I trust that the bored reader is satisfied with the loving anti-kudo letter. If you read with care and understanding, you can tell how much my teaching has reached this poor soul.