"...and damned be he who first cries 'hold', enough!" (MacBeth)

.....Our cuzzin, Ruthie, from the UK has been so angered and frustrated and nonplussed, and nonminused, and furious about being kept on "hold" on her telephone calls that she was inspired to write the following poem.  This is a UK poem on the subject of "hold" , not a USA poem.   The author is Ruth Grimsley an English poet, and her poem is now immortalized.

OTHERWISE PLEASE HOLD

I telephoned the Council   to get some information

And heard a recorded message   that caused me great frustration

“Press 1 if bankruptcy is looming: press 2 if your ferret needs grooming

Press 3 if you want to catch cold: otherwise please hold!” 

I held on as instructed    for 60 minutes – an hour!

Until near-fatal boredom   did me quite overpower

2 .  I telephoned the company    that sells us all our gas

And got a recorded message    that made me feel like an ass

“Press 1 for the complete works of Trollope: press 2 for some corporate codswallop

Press 3 to buy or sell gold: otherwise please hold!”

I eventually spoke to a person   but she was just a minion

She sympathised with my problem   but couldn’t pass on an opinion

I telephoned the DWP      to query the administration

Of my pension, and their message   caused me great perturbation

“Press 1 for cheap offers amazing: press 2 for double glazing

Press 3 to stop growing old: otherwise please hold!”

I held on for a solid hour   without any sensible reasons

Because I found I was listening    to Antonio Vivaldi’s “The Seasons”

I telephoned the company    that gets our water drained

And sat amazed to listen to the message it explained:

“Press 1 to know how Catholics   and Protestants do differ

Press 2 to find out how to make   you or your partner stiffer

Press 3 to feel that heavenly love   does your soul enfold

Otherwise, would you      please just kindly hold.”

I sat there idly wondering   where these ideas came from:

Then another message said   “see our website

www  dot idiocy dot com”

If I’d wanted an hour of boredom    I could find it easily

If I’d wanted to get nothing done, I could have done that for free

If I’d wanted to hear Vivaldi    I could have done it on my own

And if I’d wanted to view a website    I’D NEVER HAVE PICKED UPTHE PHONE!

.....I would not deign to ruin the effect of horror as one finishes reading this poem (must be read aloud conversationally in order to feel the horror) on the chance that any of my readers has experienced the same onphone experience that Cuzzin Ruthie has achieved so artfully in this, her madness poem.  The worst thing, besides being put on "hold" is to have someone speak English to you in a foreign language. Perhaps that will be her next poem. (And notice the erotic line RG snuck in which makes this an R rated piece and her a limey to be desired.)